Posted By Sahil Chand
I always wanted to have a threesome, but it wasn't until my my mid-twenties, when I went through a brutal break-up, that I decided it was time to pursue my biggest sexual fantasy.
I was going to have a threesome. There are a lot of ways to go about
this — I know, because I Googled them, and I listened to all Dan
Savage's podcasts on the subject. Actually, there's only one real secret
to successfully achieving a safe and rewarding, pleasurable three-way:
candor.
So in the spirit of the three-way, here are 3 ways that I went about it to try to make it happen. Some worked better for me than others.
1. Use the Internet
I
started my foray by setting up an OKCupid profile the indicated that I
was interested in "being a unicorn." A unicorn is the term generally
used to describe a bisexual woman who wants to be the third to a couple —
so named because they are apparently very rare. Given the amount of
creepy single dudes who hit me up, though, I had to change my profile to
read, "I am seriously ONLY looking to be a third. If you are a single
man, I don't want to see your penis; I promise that no matter how great
you think you or your penis may be, you are not the exception to this
rule. COUPLES ONLY, PLEASE." That didn't work; I continued to mostly
field posts from lonely men who genuinely believed I needed to see them
naked.
Just as I was
getting tired of spending my afternoons deleting uncomfortable messages
from creepy men in trucker hats, I received a message from a guy I will
call Benjamin (I won't be using any real names in this piece). Benjamin
and his girlfriend, Marissa, had been waiting for me, he wrote. He was
on OKCupid to try to find a third, and I was the third they had been
looking for. He sent me his phone number, and I called him when I got
bored playing Frisbee golf with my friends on a Saturday afternoon. We
agreed to meet at a coffee shop the next day to get to know each other a
little before we moved forward.
Benjamin taught yoga and Marissa ran a dance studio, and they looked like
people who taught yoga and ran a dance studio. Marisa even wore one of
those midriff-bearing t-shirts, and it was actually really working for
her. I, on the other hand, write blog posts about doughnuts and thought
the term "push-ups" referred to a type of ice cream bar until
embarrassingly late in my life. When I met them, I was intimidated. But
they were smiley and they both flirtatiously touched my arm. We asked
each other about our sexual health
and our sexual preferences. In hindsight, this might not have been an
appropriate conversation to have in a coffee shop, but it highlights a
crucial element for a threesome: The most important thing is
communicating exactly what you want and being very clear about what's
off limits. That doesn't have to happen in a coffee shop, but it should
happen before you're all naked together.
The
next week, I went to Benjamin's house in the afternoon. He and Marisa
and I played a round of Settlers of Catan (these very hot people were
somehow equally nerdy about board games), and then Benjamin said,
"Should we go to the bedroom?" We went to the bedroom. Once we were in
the bedroom, though, my heart started to beat like crazy, and I felt
claustrophobic and tense. It struck me that I just wasn't ready to have
sex with these people; I didn't know them well enough.
And
so, as they started to de-robe, I told them I was sorry, but this just
wasn't going to work for me because I wasn't ready. I apologized
profusely, but they were very understanding. They told me to let them
know if I ever changed my mind. I kissed them both goodbye and went down
the street to buy a doughnut.
2. Be a Unicorn for a Couple of Friends
Adv
This
method proved to be more successful, because I knew the people I was
getting involved with. My friend Diane and I have known each other for
several years in a work capacity, and we like each other. When we were
both single (ish — she had a boyfriend she was non-monogamous with),
we'd gone on a few dates together. We had both really only been in
heterosexual relationships, so we were clumsy and giggly on our "dates."
We went to a gallery opening once that featured a lot of papier-mâché
jellyfish and sat on the fire escape and made out.
A
few years into our friendship, Diane and I were grabbing a drink
together when she asked me if I would be interested in filming her
boyfriend Tony and her having sex.
After I enthusiastically said yes, we talked about sexual health and
preferences (notice a pattern?), and then on a Saturday night, I put on
my favorite black dress and went over to Diane's house.
No
one had a video camera, so we used Diane's Macbook to film. They took
off their clothes and enjoyed themselves, and then Tony invited me to
join them. Soon we'd forgotten about the camera and we were kissing, tangled up in each other, asking for consent ("Can I touch you here?"), and giving it eagerly.
When
I left, after we had all finished and had glasses of water and spent
some time lying in bed laughing, I felt thrilled, accomplished. It had
been everything I'd wanted it to be.
3. Find Your Own Unicorn (Read: Have a Threesome With Your Partner)
A few months after my first threesome, I fell in love with a man named Luke, and my single life
came to a close. We moved to Chicago together; things got quickly
serious. (Read: We got cats.) Early on in our relationship, I told Luke
that I fantasized about having threesomes, and that I'd be interested in
trying to have one with him. He (perhaps unsurprisingly) thought that
was great.
We signed up for an app called 3nder,
which is basically Tinder for people who are looking for a third. After
months of swiping and messaging, though, we hadn't made much progress
in finding our unicorn. We put the idea on the back-burner.
Then,
in the early months of spring, a friend, Zoe, came to visit us from out
of town. I'd always been attracted to Zoe, and she knew it — I hadn't
been shy about telling her. Chicago gave up some gorgeous weather for
her visit, and on Saturday we all walked to the lakeside beach to have a
picnic. Sitting on the cotton sheet we'd brought in lieu of a blanket
and listening to the songbirds that flew through that area in early
spring, I found myself touching Zoe's leg
a little more than I would if she was just a friend. I noticed Luke
noticing. And then — although I honestly can't remember how — the topic
of massage candles came up.
"We
have these candles that you light and they burn into oils you're
supposed to use for massage," Luke said. Zoe said that wow, those
candles sounded amazing. And before I could stop myself, I told her that
we could give her a massage when we got back to the apartment, if she
wanted.
This
three-way was my favorite. Zoe and I spent a lot of time kissing and
touching, and Luke rubbed our backs but stayed mostly clothed. Zoe isn't
attracted to men, really, but I think she liked having Luke around. Everything felt empowering. Female
pleasure was at the center of the encounter, and that was so different
than what I'd ever seen in porn or experienced in my own heterosexual encounters — maybe it was because it was about fulfilling my desire, and it was with people I trusted. And afterward, it was super friendly: We all made dinner together and watched Broad City.
My biggest piece of advice? You have to advocate for your own pleasure, and find the people you're
most comfortable with when you're having a threesome. Trust me: There
are people out there who ares into exactly the kind of thing you are
into, and they're just waiting for you to find them.
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